I am not a marriage counselor. But after several excellent marriage studies and 17 years of a successful marriage I have learned what it takes to survive. And it seems to me that the important principles of an enduring marriage, while perhaps not obvious, are virtually universal.

I believe that these principles can make a marriage a lifetime of love and devotion as opposed to a few years of good sex and romance followed by a separation, whether bitter or amicable. While much of what follows may seem like simple common sense, it’s apparent many people don’t take the time or effort to think about these things and apply them to their own situation – especially before tying the knot.

But what is the definition of a successful marriage? It’s definitely not just two people cohabitating or two people who got married and obstinately refuse to get divorced no matter how miserable they become. It is two people who continue to find and make ways to enjoy, cherish and celebrate their marriage year after year. Who grow together and suffer together and face life as partners welded together on ALL levels.

A successful marriage is a special and sacred relationship; it is as special as parent to child, grandparent to grandchild, siblings, etc. A successful marriage is until death-do-we-part and weathers all storms.

It is not JUST a friendship, not JUST lovers in a monogamous relationship, not JUST parents partnering to raise children … it is all these things and much more. It is a special, sacred relationship, recognized as such in the Bible (and all of the major religions that I know of) and has been since the beginning of human history.

This article is not just about the obvious warnings – like “don’t have an affair,” “Always remember your anniversary,” etc. These are the values that can get one past the personal weaknesses of one’s partner (even including infidelity) or even one’s self.

So here they are. As defined by me. In rough order of importance … though you need at least a little of every single one …

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1. Belief that Marriage is Sacred
This is number one with a bullet. If husband and wife believe that the vows they took are sacred, and that their marriage is worth working on/fighting for, they are way ahead of the game. All of the divorces I have seen have begun with one member throwing his or her hands up and saying … “I’m done. It’s not worth it.” Which is especially tragic if the other person IS willing to work on issues, get counseling, etc. Obviously there are times, as in a situation with physical abuse, where one must escape. But if you walk just because your fairy tale fantasies on marriage were shattered … you might as well accept that you’ll never have a real marriage; because is there anyone who won’t have issues with you or you’ll have issues with over a period of decades?

Marriage can work. It can work for life. We all know couples who prove this. We just have to put in the effort to make it work for us. And for our children. And for our culture.

2. Shared Faith
This is probably #2 for believers, but may be lower down on the list for non believers – I really couldn’t say for the latter. One thing is for sure: if one person believes in an all powerful Lord and Savior, and the other thinks it’s a bunch of hokum for the peasants … well, the road is already bumpy. Believers cherish their faith and are both angered and dismayed when those they love mock that faith or ignore it. Those of us with faith have as much trouble understanding atheists as atheists have understanding us. This is not a good basis for a marriage.

3. Best Friends
This arguably entails many of the items that follow, but I think it’s worth listing on its own. Whomever you marry you will have to spend a lot of time with; multi-day driving trips in the car with the kids, times when you are broke and can do no more than sit and watch TV, perhaps nights spent sleeping on the floor of an airport. If you’re not friends, then while the sex and the rest of it may be spectacular, the longevity of your marriage through richer and poorer, good times and bad, may not be very good.

4. Love
Why is this at number four? Because this is about the reality of a lifetime marriage – not a marriage fantasy or “chick flick” romance. Don’t get me wrong; if you don’t have love you shouldn’t get married, but love alone is enough for a great weekend, maybe a great year, but is unlikely by itself to sustain you into the gray haired season of your life. If you have love but nothing else, the other realities of life will grate on you until you start seeking out those other qualities elsewhere.

5. Sex
I realize there are people who get married that lack the physical ability for this, and there are those who lose the physical ability after marriage and yet still have a happy life together. But it is a great way to get over arguments, and an enjoyable activity that costs little money, an activity mentioned frequently in the Bible as a gift from God and an important element of marriage. ‘nuff said …

6. Shared Parenting Ideals
Obviously mostly moot if you either choose not to have children or cannot have them … but children are so important to both husband and wife that disagreements on core parenting values – to spank or not to spank, rigidity of rules/bedtimes, etc. – can damage an originally solid marriage. Having kids is not all about love and patience; there are a lot of decisions to make, and parents need to be partners and in general agreement on these decisions. Not that any two people are perfectly synced, but you at least need a similar foundation.

7. Partners for financial goals
This one seems obvious, but has ended many marriages. If one partner wants to rack up credit card debt and live the good life, and the other wants to live frugally and save up for early retirement/investing/etc., this will cause many problems. Chances are one will win this argument, and the other will be bitter and feel either unsecure or cheated. And ongoing bitterness or a feeling of injustice in marriage is a bad thing.
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So this is my pass at what is important to a marriage. Based on the intelligent works of others and my own experience.

But these are just the core elements of a good marital relationship;. To find out how to make a marriage work once you find someone you share most of the above with … well, that is a much more advanced question and outside the limits of a blog entry.

To find a working model of marriage, one that has lasted for thousands of years and is not subject to the whimful changes of culture or “Political Correctness,” you need only look to the Bible. Whether you the believe the Bible is the sacred word of God or just a very old book with a lot of wisdom in it … various passages take a very wise look at men and women (who have not changed in the last few thousand years) and provide the values for a marriage that absolutely work for everyone.

But if you just start reading the Bible (which I do recommend, of course) it takes a long time to find what you need. More efficient would be to look at either Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs or Each for the Other, by Bryan and Kathy Chappell.

I highly recommend either one.